I had already fell in love

I have been thinking so much about my first pregnancy. My first baby I never met. So I am thinking lots of thoughts and learning so much and just missing the fact that it's a love incomplete. Maybe I am thinking about it so much because I know the next baby I have will be my last and I am hoping for one more. Well one more that I will carry at least.

"Not all devastation is a result of disobedience." That sentence stopped me in my tracks. I think that was what I was trying to reconcile in my mind for so long. Nate and I clearly felt called by God to start having kids. We took a step of faith and obedience and it brought devastation. Everything about that miscarriage was ugly from start to finish. The who, the when, the where, all ugliness. I obeyed. We obeyed. We listened and obeyed and then devastation. I needed to know that sometimes it has nothing to do with me... and then again it had everything to do with me.

"I had already fallen in love." That's why the hurt stays. That was the sentence that put it all together for me. When I get sad and remember my due date or that feeling the first time I found our I was pregnant or the day of my miscarriage I can't put my finger on what its all about. That's just it, I had already fallen in love.

I've been asking the wrong why. For so long I asked "why me" with self-pity and sorrow. Now I am asking "why me" with wonder and awe that God would trust me with this devastation. He must have known where He needed to get me and what it would take to get me there. So what I once saw as devastation I now see as blessing. Blessing that I know God more deeply. He took me to the scariest place I could imagine and has carried me through. I had real faith and trust. Then I had babies. I love them more because of my love lost. I know what I have and that is a gift. The only way I can know what I have is because I had experienced loss. I also know and believe I can trust God with anything, my kids, pregnancy, Nate, all of it. Because of Him that place of devastation was transformed to a place of beauty. With each baby I say I am falling in love for the first time all over again. And it's all because I had already fallen in love.