I had already fell in love

I have been thinking so much about my first pregnancy. My first baby I never met. So I am thinking lots of thoughts and learning so much and just missing the fact that it's a love incomplete. Maybe I am thinking about it so much because I know the next baby I have will be my last and I am hoping for one more. Well one more that I will carry at least.

"Not all devastation is a result of disobedience." That sentence stopped me in my tracks. I think that was what I was trying to reconcile in my mind for so long. Nate and I clearly felt called by God to start having kids. We took a step of faith and obedience and it brought devastation. Everything about that miscarriage was ugly from start to finish. The who, the when, the where, all ugliness. I obeyed. We obeyed. We listened and obeyed and then devastation. I needed to know that sometimes it has nothing to do with me... and then again it had everything to do with me.

"I had already fallen in love." That's why the hurt stays. That was the sentence that put it all together for me. When I get sad and remember my due date or that feeling the first time I found our I was pregnant or the day of my miscarriage I can't put my finger on what its all about. That's just it, I had already fallen in love.

I've been asking the wrong why. For so long I asked "why me" with self-pity and sorrow. Now I am asking "why me" with wonder and awe that God would trust me with this devastation. He must have known where He needed to get me and what it would take to get me there. So what I once saw as devastation I now see as blessing. Blessing that I know God more deeply. He took me to the scariest place I could imagine and has carried me through. I had real faith and trust. Then I had babies. I love them more because of my love lost. I know what I have and that is a gift. The only way I can know what I have is because I had experienced loss. I also know and believe I can trust God with anything, my kids, pregnancy, Nate, all of it. Because of Him that place of devastation was transformed to a place of beauty. With each baby I say I am falling in love for the first time all over again. And it's all because I had already fallen in love.

Bitsy

Our oldest is 6 and in kindergarten. We homeschool and I have loved getting to know him on this new level. He is not always as enthusiastic but we are learning together. We are currently using the My Father's World curriculum and Math-U-See. Luke is flying through math and knows how to skip count by 2's, 5's and 10's. He also knows his 1+ and 2+ math facts. He loves math and science...

Conversely he does not so much enjoy reading. I love to read and want to impart this love of reading but it's been a struggle. Overall he gets it but just doesn't enjoy it so much.

Nate describes Luke as passionate. That's a really nice way to say it! He is so sweet and loving but very stubborn and strong-willed. I have no idea where he gets these FABULOUS traits but I do know if we can harness this power it will serve him well in the future. He has tons of energy, loves every sport, enjoys video games on weekends, will do anything for his Dad and tolerates his Mom quite nicely. He even gives me a secret kiss or hug every now and then.

I love this little guy. When we were in the baseball days he was my constant companion. We went all over the U.S. and for a good 15 months I never left him. When I left him overnight it was for a 5 day trip to Cali with Nate and I cried for 4 hours straight. He also has an honorary MSW as he was with me through graduate school. He LOVES his brothers and is going to make a great Dad someday.

I always tell Luke he saved my life. Before I had him I miscarried our first baby at 13 weeks. I was devastated. Then I was surprised to find out several months later that I was pregnant with Luke. During my pregnancy I think I held my breath the entire time. I waited for each milestone and had a fabulous doctor to walk me through all my neurosis. I was so afraid of experiencing that hurt again and I wanted to hold my baby. During Luke's delivery things started going bad. His heart rate, my blood pressure... things weren't looking good. I had an emergency c-section, heard his cry, saw his face and then woke up 4 hours later. He was perfect and my first reaction was "He's so light." He was light-skinned with blonde hair. I was expecting a Mexican baby but that's another story. Being pregnant with Luke taught me to trust again and to believe God for big things. Not necessarily big things like babies and guarantees of things I want but I believed God loved me, would walk through anything with me, goes before me and behind me, wants the best for me and I believed that even if it hurt He would know that and I could trust Him even with that. That's why I think Luke saved my life. He sealed the deal and made me a real life Mom and now he's my Bitsy.